Who are you?

Dear Anonymous:

Who are you? Wait... maybe I don't want to know. This leaves me to fantasize that Anderson Cooper has secretly found my blog and is stalking me... and is not gay. Or maybe George Stromboloupoulous... hmmm.. I guess I have a thing for newscasters. Even Peter Mansbridge.. who let's face it, is ten times as sexy as Lloyd Robertson. Yeah. That's right, I'd be with Peter.. but only if he used his newscaster voice to give a play by play of what was going on in the bedroom.

On that note, I managed to offend both little old ladies, small children and Potterheads with my team t-shirt (pictured above) that I wore to the Harry Potter film. Yep... that's right.. it does say, "Harry Potter died for your sins." Sadly, I'm pretty sure my brother and I also ruined it for JR, his gf. The entire movie she had to deal with us saying things like, "When does he get naked?", "Does he get naked now?", "What about now?" and "Is this when he blinds horses?", "Where are the horses?", "I was promised horses." and of course the infamous Family Montage Dancing in the seats. She dealt with it well and I don't even think I was shot the gypsy eye...

Ooo.. maybe it was Daniel Radcliffe who found my site.... and he is 18 now... and I think he would be good at reading the news...

Missing you.

I have not posted in a month. I acknowledge this fact, but I have been busy going through a crisis of sorts including the fact that my laptop was persona non grata for two weeks... I have no idea if I just used that in the right context and I could look it up, but I don't really feel like it.

Am heading to RJ's city with A and am hoping to meet some randos to regale you with stories of.

In the meantime, my new favourite experience was getting plastered at our local art museum. Seriously.

By the way.. go see Even Stevens in Transformers. His acting skills will melt your heart.

Past the Tissues, We've all got Issues

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=1679592956

Supervision Needed.

I should not be allowed near sharp objects... or small children. As evidence: A copy of an e-mail I sent out two days ago:

"I'm currently in the office alone.. and I got into the scissors... and decided my arm hair was too long... umm.. the results are interesting and now I have arm hair all over my black shirt and I can't get it off.
Luckily, no one walked in as I was snipping away. But I should not be allowed to have scissors.
Sometimes I can't control my special needs side."

My friend the tour guide

Guess who made a friend with Tour Guide Jim?

Today

Today I broke down in the drive-through at the KFC whilst buying a bucket of chicken for my grandma. True story.

It's not ok.

I have succumbed to the facebook machine and created an account. Let the stalking commence.

I need to be with this dude.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/291079504.html

I am becoming my Grandmother.

Looking over the posted picture from the road trip to Regina last week-end, I discovered I am becoming my Grandmother. No, it was not because we went on tours of Government House and the Legislative Building because they were free (and I think knowledge is fun!) Nor was it because I am now getting drunk off of a cocktail and considering stealing the little jam packets they give you with toast at brunch. Nor was it because I have discovered myself sticking Kleenexes up my sleeve, "for later." No.... it is because my body has become permanently attached to my purse. I am so attached in fact, that in this picture of me and RJ in the legislative assembly, a room where there was only three of us, me, RJ and the tour guide, I am so afraid of a purse mugging that I need to wrap my bag's strap around my foot and pose for a picture. I need an intervention people. Stop me before I start riding a scooter around Wal-Mart with a bumper sticker that reads, "Honk if you love Jebus".

I Believe I Can Fly

Oh... R. Kelly how you have let me down again. Despite your uplifting song, in fact it is not true that I can do anything I set my mind to. Things I have discovered I should not do in the past two weeks:

1) Cut my own bangs with kitchen scissors.

2) Apply smoky eye make-up whilst pre-drinking.

3) Drink out of non-sippy cups.

Hmmmmm...It's all making sense now. Reason #265 why E doesn't pick-up when she goes out drinking. (See above).

Best Arts and Crafts Project Ever.

In anticipation of St. Patrick's Day, Champagne and I spent Friday night at Michael's. Normally crafts are not my thing, but I know not of a better place to go for fabric paint and various foam items. Not only did I pick up said paint, but I also got a kick-ass green visor that has now been labelled "old lady chic" and which will inspire many a new outfit including the floral blouse and elasticized waistband purple slacks I plan to pick up at wal-mart next week-end. No joke. This is the new fad. Check out vice magazine if you don't believe me. (And I now totally get the visor thing... keeps the sun out of your eyes... and doesn't mess up your hair. I think I might have to pick up a foam visor in every colour!) Anyways... the night ended with a glitter splattered kitchen and the best team t-shirts ever. I will wear mine proudly tonight. Guess which one is mine?

My day

Today at work I spilled coffee on my shirt... between "the ladies."

It was 10 in the morning.

I am not good at stains and it would not come out.

For the rest of the day people kept pointing at my breasts and saying, "ooops, you spilled" and laughing.

Nothing like having your co-workers point at your body and laugh repeatedly to start the week off right.

Celebrating diversity.... one soulless being at a time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XyJ2fTTKCfg

Response to Anonymous #3

Oscar Recap

As the ultimate Award Show Junkie, I was super-pumped for the Oscars on Sunday. I set up a date with RJ and was ready to cry when someone mentioned their spouse, laugh at a nip slip and make catty comments about the dresses.

6:00 - Barbawa Walters Special.

No Idea why I decided to watch this special considering the fact that every time I watch Barbara, I vomit a little bit in my mouth. However, came out of the hour even more confused as to why Scary Spice decided to have Eddie Murphy's love-child.

http://www.tmz.com/2006/10/17/scary-spice-pregnant-with-eddie-murphys-baby/

Especially, since a little thing like having someone pregnant with your child does not stop him from finding the love of his life with Tracy Edmonds, former wife of Babyface. I have no idea why I got so irrationally angry at Eddie for treating Scary Spice badly. Maybe I'm just sad that "girl power" seems to be no match for a man whose claim to fame is dressing up as a 300 pound woman. And if you think his performance in Norbit is hilarious, you should have seen my 300 pound uncle doing the Macrena at my cousin's wedding.

7:00 - watching some generic personality interview stars. No one is exceptionally brilliant or witty. Though I do love Helen Mirren and have developed a slight friend crush on her. Also... people are way too tan.... Penelope Cruz put the cheap tanning lotion down. You are turning orange.

PS - Ryan Gosling don't forget your roots on Breaker High.

7:30 - Awards Show Begins. Ellen comes out wearing a velveteen suit. Damn it again... someone else flaunting velveteen in my face. I am so far ahead of the trends.. I've been wearing velveteen since 2004. And headbands... well I'm not going to brag or anything... but I did own a matching plaid headband and jacket ensemble when I was in Grade 5... and damn it combined with my hot pink over-sized glasses and the snap bracelets, I was the shit.

7:45 Award handed out.. blah... blah.. blah.. don't know who you are.

8:00 Alan Arkin... great choice by the Academy. Little Miss Sunshine, arguably one of my favourite movies from 2006.

8:25... My eyelids are so heavy... maybe if I just close them for a minute, RJ won't notice.. I just need to rest them.

8:30- RJ nudges me. I insist that I was awake and just mentally preparing myself for the interpretative dancers. (who I have to admit were actually pretty cool.)

8:35 - Gosh that glare from the TV is so harsh.. maybe if I just turn my head a little and close my eyes....

8:45 - God, Why doesn't RJ move off the couch so I can stretch out? My legs are so cramped. He is so selfish. Can't he see how this half of the couch clearly doesn't fit my needs.

9:35 - I shoot RJ the "F.. off, I'm sleeping stare."

11:35... RJ bravely shakes me awake. I stumble around for a bit and eventually make it home. I promptly go on the internet and review all the winners and the bits I missed on-line.

http://www.oscar.com/

12:45... Unable to put the internet down, I bumble across the best public service announcement ever.

http://slacklalane.blogspot.com/2007/02/dont-even-try-it.html


1:00... End another crazy night of awards show bliss. Consider skipping work tomorrow to watch the Oprah special.

Someone Take Your Mama Out Tonight.

So no one has ever called me Mama... and they should probably never do so or else they will have to endure the blistering E's "over the glasses" stare.... the sentiment remains.

I don't feel like dancing... but I do feel like being taken out.. to go see this movie.

Ok.. enough referencing of the Scissor Sisters. The point is I've been waiting months to go see "Hot Fuzz". The fact alone that Simon Pegg and Nick Frost from "Shaun of the Dead" are in it has had me drooling over the internet trailers...

http://www.workingtitlefilms.com/trailers/hotfuzz_trailer2_xlarge.php

Now I found out it has already been released in the UK... and no sign of it here on the middle coast....

I feel like this is going to turn into another "Borat" misadventure. November Long Weekend, I was at my sister's with no sign of Borat making its way to my city. Out of desperation, and with no knowledge of the actual content of the movie, except the interviewing of ignorant Americans, I agreed to go see this movie with my brother-in-law and my father. Imagine if you will, sitting next to your father in a crowded theater munching away on popcorn, when out of nowhere, homoerotic images of two naked men wrestling in a 69 position flash on the screen. Now imagine listening to your father giggle with delight as you two watch the extended 5 minute scene. Now imagine being emotionally scared for life. I have nothing against porn or homoerotic porn or giggling... but adding my father into the mix.. and having him repeatedly reference the line, "sleeve like wizard" on the car ride is home was pretty much like "the miracle of life's" personal early Christmas gift to me.

PS - Hot Fuzz is a reference to the British slang term for the police. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=fuzz

And you all should go see this movie. Parents optional.

You've been Chris Angelled.

http://www.browetv.com/2-Cool-Illusionators.ht

PS. Happy Belated Valentines Day

ml

I am a Cultural Warrior

So I was watching Daily Show episodes on the Internet when I came across this gem:

http://www.crooksandliars.com/2007/02/15/the-daily-show-scarborough-helps-jason-jones-date-conservatives/

And I thought do those sites truly exist? So of course I had to Google it.. and this may be my favourite dating site of all-time. You can't get a better slogan than "Sweethearts, not bleeding hearts."

http://www.conservativematch.com/

It is like God is creating these Internet sites just for me.

Grammy's: A Running Internets Commentary (Editing to be done later.)

Pre-Show:
Ryan Seacrest. Please stop making short jokes and spiking your hair. I get it. You are self-deprecating. Self-deprecating does not always equal funny. Just ask Ben Mulroney.

7:02: I didn't remember "Roxanne" being so long and without any perceptible lyrics... maybe I'm just remembering the P. Diddy version.

7:10 Why did that one Dixie Chick steal my cousin's prom dress from 1991? It didn't look good then.. and it certainly doesn't look good now.

7:18 Oh Prince.... back in your Purple Rain days, you could have been an exception to my "No Short Guys" Rule. I would have let you purify me in the waters of Lake Minnetonka.

7:19 Beyonce, shut it.

7:20: Is one of the Black Eyed Peas wearing an Ear Cast? Is it possible to break your ear?

7:25 Mary J. Blige has never won a Grammy? What the shit?

7:33 JT, you are hot. Your neck hair is not.

7:37 God, I hate the back humping jam.

7:38 Wha? Blair witch project.. where did you come from? Wha?

7:40 Mary J. Two for two.

7:48 Corrine Bailey Ray.. you do have a lovely voice. One I could definitely fall asleep to.
7:51 John Legend. I love you and your velveteen jackets. You know how to emote. (and to look classy in velveteen. Something I have not mastered yet.)
7:54 Oh John Mayer... you had me at "Your body is a wonderland"

7:58: Grammy for John Mayer. See above.

8:05 Shakira and Wyclef Jean. Hips don't lie. Makes me want to take Belly Dancing Lessons. again.

8:06 Phone rang.

8:20 I have no idea what just happened.... or why the guy from Gnarls Barkley is wearing a pilot's outfit. But I do respect his love of the costume.

8:25.. Luda... read this article... http://entertainment.sympatico.msn.ca/Oscars/OscarStory.aspx?cp-documentid=2834230

8:35 I love that Mary J. just referred to herself in the third person. E likes.

8:41. I forgive you Dixie Chick for wearing a bad dress. You just made a Simpsons reference. That makes everything ok.

8:48... "You made one of the two classic blunders... the first is never go in in a land war against Asia"... Classic line. I want to attend a sci-fi geek wedding where the groom answers, "as you wish" to everything. That would be awesome. What? Did YTV get pjs back? I miss PJ Jenn. (Sorry I got bored and started switching channels)

8:57 Carrie Underwood.. you bore me.

9:01 And apparently now you won a Grammy. This may or may not signal me turning off the TV and watching the rest highlighted on the internet.. or tomorrow on Extra.

9:09.. Ok I am glad I stuck around. It doesn't get any better than Smokey Robinson wearing a Lace Shirt and singing "Tracks of my Tears", one of my favourite songs of all-time.
9:11 Is Lionel going to sing "Hello"? Yes, yes he is. I never realized how slightly creepy and stalkerish this song is, he has never introduced himself to this girl, but... "I hear you pass in the hall", and "Let me start by saying, I love you." Uh... I love you too, now excuse me while I call 911. No offense.
9:15... Chris Brown.. are you even singing?

9:20... And due to hunger and boredness... I am going to end this transmission.
For more informative stuff see:
http://www.grammy.com/

or

http://theenvelope.latimes.com/awards/grammys/

E gots to go.

Best video. Ever.

Expect more than one post this week from me.. or don't. But right now, I am feeling unusually productive due to "February break". Many of my friends have vacated the city and gone to exotic places: Jamaica, Jasper, Prince Albert. The roommate has gone house sitting to the house of big screen tv's, a crazy cat and a small porntastic video collection. At any rate instead of doing something really productive like cleaning or grocery shopping or leaving the house, I choose to spend my time on the Internet.

Anyways to kick off what may or may not be this blog extravaganza... I would like to post a link to the best wedding video ever. I won't say anymore to spoil it for you... but to quote a Regina girl, "if this guy ever becomes single, he should give me a call."

OK.. so as I was youtubing to try and find it.. I found this video.. Thought it was pretty cool too. (Maybe cause I am a fan of a lame movie called "Center Stage" which first introduced me to this song.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nie9lKPifg

Ok.. this one is pretty awesome too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYhlm9GTAQ0&NR

OK.. this is the link I really meant to post.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OPmYbP0F4Zw

Ok.. so now that I have just spent 45 minutes on youtube watching random people's wedding videos and discovering that a surprising number of people believe they can or should drunkenly imitate MJ and post it, I will post this and maybe write an actual blog.. or have lunch... or get myself mentally prepared for "The Police" on the Grammy's tonight. It truly is a day full of possibilities.

PS - To the rando who posted "E make me hot." Well I wish I could say the same to you... but unfortunately bad grammar and/or spelling doesn't really do it for me. Figure out how to write a better sentence, then we will talk. (or post a video of yourself doing the MJ dance.. that would do it for me too.)

Insert Random Toilet Humour Here.

So, as one of the aims of this blog is to make people feel better about their own lives, I would like to retell a proud and random moment of mine that happened yesterday.....

I'm at work and I feel the need to go attend to some business in the unisex washroom. (sadly not as fun as the one on Ally McBeal... more like a rest stop bathroom, except you don't have to go ask for the key and you have a lesser chance of picking up a STD.) Anyways... I walk in and I notice the sound of water running... but as I pretty much spend my life being oblivious, I think nothing of it. I attend to business and I go to flush. Its at this moment that I start to realize my horrible mistake. Not only will the toilet not flush, but the handle won't even move. Its stuck all the way down and its at this moment that I start to panic.

Me: Oh God... Oh God... what do I do? I can't just leave... or can I? Maybe if I just close the lid.. no one will no it was me.... Oh God ... Oh God.. they know! They will know! I can't leave the bathroom and ask for help... everyone will think it was me that wrecked the toilet... I swear it was like this when I got here... Oh shit. Oh shit.

(Now as most of you know, I don't embarrass easily. When you consistently fall down and bump yourself into walls, walk around with pen on your face and spill on yourself, and fall asleep in public places including but not limited to the Emily Haines concert you attended earlier this week, you learn to laugh it off. The concert, or what I remember of it, was awesome by the way. She used the term, "flabby chic" and was wearing a grandma sweater.... and her voice evoked the word "haunting" more than any other musician I have heard in a long time.)

But as much, as I don't embarrass easily... I could not face my co-workers with this "problem". There is just no way I could do it. So instead, in my panicky mind, I decided to fix the porcelain god. But, not before loudly mumbling, "Fuck, Fuck, Fuck" as a kind of mantra to help me get over the mental block of having to place my hands into the place, that as a three year-old I was reminded, "Hands should not go".

Me: Hey you, you can do this... You've watched Saturday morning hang-over editions of "This Old House", you used to have a crush on JTT of "Home Improvement"... you can do this. Hey, on that movie, they once they hid some crack and cash in the tank of the toliet, maybe open up the tank and see if that is the problem.

So being the expert in plumbing I am, I managed to take the top of the tank off the toilet..... and drop it onto the floor. And let me tell you, the sound of porcelain hitting the floor is louder than the trains that rip through my neighbourhood. But, I did not have time to care about that, I had a toilet to fix and damn it I was going to alternatively stare and swear until I had fixed that mother. I looked in the tank and sure enough there was no water in it.... well that solved that mystery... except I had no idea how to fix it. The decision was easy however as my solution to every manual labour problem is to bang at something until it fixes itself or is broken beyond repair. ... I just started yanking at a chain and then some other gadget... and eventually after yanking at several different pieces that make up the toilet machinery, I ripped something loose and the tank started filling up. I was so excited that I let out a small scream of delight. (as another thing I am not known for is voice control.)

After making sure the tank was filled and would not overflow, I replaced the top of the tank... but not before dropping it again on top of the toilet.. and I flushed. I have never been so excited to see the deal sealed in my entire life. I even briefly reconsidered training as a plumber, seeing as I had the fixing part down and I'm pretty sure I would look slightly cute in coveralls with my name on them. That thought ended quickly, as I looked down at my fingers and saw them stained with some sort of blue substance.. which I can only hope came from the tank. I can't deal with walking around with blue fingers. However, as much as I scrubbed, the blue will not come off... Oh well, at least it matches my eyes.

I triumphantly leff the bathroom, walking with a strut and thinking I was so smooth, not one person even realized the mini-crisis that I had just averted with my bare hands.. But then a realization, slowly flowed over me. The break room is situated right next to the bathroom and not only are the walls paper-thin, but several different people had been in and out of that room as someone had recently brought doughnuts and my co-workers gather to free food like moths to a flame.

To recap this is what they must have heard.. " Fuck, Fuck, Fuck,....... Bang, Bang, Bang, (drop of porcelain tank.).... Fuck, Fuck, Fuck...... chains rattling.......FUUUUUCK.......water running!..... Wooo!(me screaming in delight).. ....BANG! (dropping the top bank on the tank)...... and me re-emerging a couple of minutes later with blue fingers." I was fooling no one..... that or they think I'm shooting some sort of office-related kinky porn in the bathroom. (I'm not sure which one is better.)

The moral of the story: TV once again saves the day.

Bring on the Hardy Boys.

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"Hey look at me.. I'm cool and hang out with bands"

(and by hang out... I mean.. I pay to attend their concerts and then wait in line afterwards to get my picture taken with them. (and by picture taken, I mean request that they vogue with A & me.. and they, being the "The 88", very cooly agree.)

This is the exact moment where I realized that I was in love with the guy with the black eyeliner and the suit jacked on the end. And the love continued to grow when he broke out the, "Wha's happening?" pose.

And again, the Japanese School Girl pose reaffirmed and strengthened my love for the guy on the end. I love you Mr. Smoky Eyes... I love you. (and one day I will get the ambition to google you and find out your real name. That's how deep my love is.)

Check them out at: http://www.the88.net/media.html

Peace out,

E

Make me a believer, Mr. Toshiba.

Dear Mr. Toshiba:

Just because I neglected over you the holidays to spend time with my family does not mean I don't love you. And to react by breaking down and not allowing me to view my precious internet for a week and half is not the way to prove your point. Did all the times I fell asleep with you in bed as I msned mean nothing to you? What about all the times I pounded on your keyboard or changed your background? Computer... I'm starting to believe that we are in an abusive relationship... I give and I give and I give.. I ad-aware scan you, and I make sure to defragment you once in a while and I never download porn (that could contain viruses) and in return you continually turn yourself off... you cut me off and isolate me from all my msn friends. You don't allow me to communicate with the outside world. I need my celebrity gossip fix. How do you think I felt when people at work talked about Lindsay Lohan sneaking vodka into the hospital and I had nothing to say? Uncomfortable and awkward, that's how. You make unreasonable demands of me... in order to pay for your new adapter, I am going to have to give up a couple of Wendy's runs and maybe a night of debauchery. And you know how I love chili and booze. That's just not right Mr. Toshiba. Its not right. My friends are encouraging me to give up on you. But I will give you one more chance. Maybe if I believe enough in you, you will change for me.... Maybe you love and need me as much as I need you... Oh computer, I have the faith. Don't let me down... or I may have to come over to the dark side. I may have to get a Mac.

Your long-suffering and devoted companion,
E

PS - Will Blog about Holiday escapades and other crazy encounters... but not until I get my fix of the internet. (and that could be days..) Until then.. be happy with vogueing photos of A and I with the 88's.